Learning to Catch

This is not a metaphor. I’m actually learning to catch. It’s not something I was taught as a child. My parents weren’t athletic and I don’t think playing catch even occurred to them as something to do. In fact, I was in my late twenties before I realized that playing catch with your kids was an actual thing and not just something from the Andy Griffith show. This lack of skill became a de facto label of ‘uncoordinated’ when I got to school, kicking off 12 years of my daily dose of humiliation known as gym class. Perhaps things have changed since 1988, but in my day the only thing one ever learned in physical education was how to endure judgment. For me, this became a foundational identity. ‘I’m not coordinated’

By foundational identity, I mean something that I believe to be so true that I can’t imagine it changing. It also is something that limits my actions. I would say that I’m not artistic as well. But I don’t do artistic things because it doesn’t interest me. In contrast, uncoordinated has consequences. The panic at the words, ‘heads up’. The dread that some ice breaker exercise will include tossing something around. Thankfully as I get older, there are fewer and fewer times that the need for hand-eye coordination comes up. When they do, I’ve become more comfortable bowing out.

So why change now? For me, this is tied up in other big issues. It’s tied up with beliefs about not being a leader and shining my light in the world. There is a story in my mind that fit, coordinated, athletic people are natural leaders, charismatic and impactful. I realize that isn’t necessarily true, but my ego believed (and still does somewhat) it. There is a vicious circle in my being - I’m not a leader, I’m not coordinated, I’m not coordinated and fit, I’m not charismatic or a natural leader. Recently, I took on clearing the identity ‘I’m not important enough to matter’. Well, this comes with it. OK, then. Time to learn to catch.

Thankfully, I have an awesome community. I sent out an email to my Women’s Circle and got 6 people willing to help me build this skill. Enthusiastically willing! This brought excitement and joy and a little bit of panic at the catching to come. It also gave me relief of starting to release the trauma of 12 years of daily humiliation that had gotten stored up in my cells.

This weekend I met two wonderful friends who with patience, humor, soft objects, and zero judgement played catch with me. Untangling my panic response from a lack of skill made opened up possibilities. My brain can learn new tricks. I just need to train it. The most unexpected thing happened - it was fun! I want to do it again. What a gift.