Doubt is a choice! Doubting I am worthy of Divine Love and grace is a choice. This is a choice available to me because of free will. I have heard this in many different ways over the years. My mind would even occasionally hear it and think, "Of course, we are all Divine so we have to be worthy." My mind would hold this extraordinary concept for a moment but just on the surface. Then it was gone and unworthy silently returned to the back of my mind. My emotional body was never on board. My emotions were certain that I was unworthy and of course I needed to doubt Divine Love. Doubt and unworthy were an everpresent pattern informing every experience.
Recently, I had a Yagya (sacred fire ceremony) and birthday call with Her Holiness Sai Maa. Over the last few years, I have had the fortune of receiving Sai Maa's grace and love. I participated in the Journey of Profound healing workshop. I emerged from that workshop on an accelerated path to freedom. I've been to Darshan a few times and I listen to her discourses frequently. From each encounter, I have had amazing transformative experiences. I had some understanding of the power of her Shakti and knew the extraordinary gift this call would be in my awakening.
But I never had a conversation with Sai Maa before this call. I wasn't sure what to expect. Unworthy reared its ugly head right from the beginning. I could barely speak. I was intimidated and sure I wouldn't be able to say anything 'right'. I breathed and let words come out without thinking. I was imagining who I would be in a year's time after working with the Yagya energy. I could see myself flowing with creation without trying, in devotion, and surrender. I could feel the Shakti activating that vision. In the next moment, she was describing the possibility of a re-boot of this incarnation. The activation of the energy of who I was born to be. And that is when doubt showed up. My breath stopped and my throat closed off. I doubted that it was possible. Doubted that I could accept the energy and manifest this new reality. Then she said, "Well, that's your choice. You have free will. If you want to chose doubt, you can do that." The words came through soaked in disappointment in a way that only a Guru can do.
In that instant, I was shocked into knowing the truth of it. I knew in every cell of my body, in my ethereal field, emotional field, and mental field. I knew that the ever-present doubt that I believed to be inevitable is a CHOICE. And therefore also the root of it, unworthy. Right then I was done with it. I was done choosing doubt. I was done choosing feeling unworthy. When the call ended, I was on my feet, no thought, no planning. I was in front of my altar doing an unbinding ritual. Calling on the Goddess, the ground of all being and full of Sai Maa's Shakti, I cut myself free from the light-sucking grid of energy that 'everyone is unworthy'. The grid of doubt and unworthy reinforced by so many experiences century after century after century. With scissors in hand, I cut the strands of doubt that were sticking to every part of me. I cut myself free. I was free to choose anew. With the wondrous gift free will can be, I chose freedom. And I choose it anew every day.
I choose I AM. I AM Divine. I claim and own the power and joy that is my birthright. I choose to be love, Divine Love. I choose to accept my strength and receive the gifts of life with grace and gratitude. I choose to live the light. And I know that I am worthy of it.
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