Like the unfolding of creation, my BEing has evolved, unfolded. Many teachers have had a definitive moment of awakening. For me, it is a continual process of ah-has, perspective and paradigm shifts, new knowings, and new remembering. The experience my soul is having to returning to the Divine is one of persistence, diligence, and remembering surrender. There have been profound shifts in my being in the last seven years since I began a regular practice. I have had moments of total presence in the now. And those moments happen more frequently. I more and more see past the ‘good’ or ‘bad’ of a situation and see it as another experience in the unfolding that can teach me to lighten. I recently took a new job. It wasn’t a job that I would have chosen and yet it was mine to do. When asked, “Do you like your new job?’ The question confused me. I knew it was mine to do. My ego saw the job as unfortunately, not what I wanted. My soul knew I had something to learn there and gifts to give.
Does this make me Enlightened? Definitely not. My ego is alive and kicking. I get triggered and judge situations as good or bad. And, more and more I am able to step back and see if the situation or action is aligned with my purpose of being. For many years my goal was to become Enlightened. I had a deep resentment of being in body again. Enlightenment felt like the answer. If I could achieve Enlightenment, I would stop needing to incarnate. I had an ah-ha moment a few months ago where I realized I had chosen to learn the lesson of overcoming the resentment of being in body. In that instant, the resentment was gone (not all of the patterns/behaviors but the core block). As I embrace the joy and pleasure of being in body, I no longer feel compelled to achieve Enlightenment. My goal is to live purpose through being and to be in pure action from that place (without the hemming and hawing of shoulds and doubt). This new goal might better be called an intention. There isn’t an end state to be achieved. There is no declaration of ‘I made it.’ I still think sometimes, “What am I doing? Where am I going? What is my purpose (to do)? And I breathe and remember my purpose is to BE and experience creation. That doesn’t mean that there isn’t something for me to do. It just means the doing is secondary. I will be in action when there is ‘knowing’ and alignment with being.
This doesn’t mean that I don’t experience sadness, frustration, and exhaustion. Those feelings are a part of being in body. One night recently, I finished work and went straight upstairs to my dark bedroom and cocooned in. I felt too tired and heavy to even be in a lit room. The difference now is I didn’t make myself wrong for it. I did it and in the morning, the heaviness had lifted. What a gift to not think, 'I need to stop feeling heavy emotions.' Not to worry and wonder, 'What does it mean? Will I cycle into depression?' Not wishing 'it' was easier.
I know that life is beautiful and easy even as emotions are heavy. And I’m close to believing it too. Every day I am grateful for being in the unfolding of creation and to be unfolding with creation.
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