At the end of last year, Michael Singer's work came into my life. The timing was perfect. I was beginning a major period of releasing old patterns and blocks triggered by a period of unemployment. I had listened to much of The Surrender Experiment, which lingered with me. When Bob suggested we watch his video series Living From a Place of Surrender - The Untethered Soul in Action, I was in. Singer has an extraordinary way of making what could be obscure, crystal clear. If you want to know more, he has some videos on YouTube that are worth watching. His approach is simple, though not always easy. Singer explains that we are here to experience life. The cosmos is 13.8 billion years old and its unfolding has nothing to do with us. It's not for us to control or try to make a certain way. When we get stuck wanting it to be a certain way, he says relax and let it pass.
I took on this approach and really began to let go of wanting things to turn out a certain way. As fears about what might happen came up or wishing for something else (like winning the lottery), I relaxed and let them pass. I began to experience frequent moments of a quiet mind. I wasn't thinking or planning or playing conversations in my head. Just quiet.
Just quiet.
Yup, just quiet. Truthfully, I expected more. Surely, when someone gets to a place where their mind becomes quiet for extended periods it should feel different. There should be more than just quiet! I went back and watched the videos again. Towards the end, he talks about joy coming in when your blocks clear. That there will be an incredible joy and wonder at life when the energy moving through you is unhindered by blocks. I thought, 'So when does that happen?' And realizing that was one of my blocks, I relaxed into it, to let it pass.
For me, the quiet just made the lack of joy about life louder. I had resented being back in body. I was so very tired of life on this planet, of being in physical form, of being trapped by its limitations. I wanted it to be done. Not an early death of this incarnation. I know that just leads to coming back again. I wanted to be done with being in body permanently. And yes, I got the irony. I can't move passed being in physical form if I can't embrace being in physical form.
So, I continued to do the work.
One day, I was sitting down to meditate. I hadn't actually started to meditate. I had just sat down on the cushion and was setting the timer. Then, it filled me. Suddenly, I knew. I hadn't come back to the planet kicking and screaming. I CHOSE to come back to experience getting over that resentment. I chose to give the gift of experiencing resentment of being in body and experiencing releasing it. In fact, I knew that every block, every hardship had been a choice of service. I sat there quietly for a few minutes letting it sink in.
Perfectly, I had an appointment to get to that morning. Fifteen minutes after this monumental ah-ha moment that changed my whole being, I got up and got on with living. The resentment is completely gone. There is a new lightness to the quiet.
In the last month or so, joy has been popping in. I am experiencing moments of extraordinary joy for no reason at all, just being in this great experience of creation. It's not always. You aren't going to find me filled with joy whenever you see me. And there are moments. Beautiful moments.
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